It’s been 26 days since we crawled into the “New Year.” Personally, I do not know if I am still in 2020 or 2021. I was intubated during that transition. So it’s one of those COVFEFE moment’s “nobody really knows what it means. The past few weeks have been hard for many the world is still trying to figure out how to survive a pandemic, racism, bigotry, and all-around turmoil.
As many of you know, I have an immune system that does not seem to want to be on the same page as me or the same planet. I have not been able to write or publish much outside of Instagram because after spending a few days in ICU. I was/am ANGRY. I was angry that my body was failing me. I was angry I only got to see only my husband for 5hrs a day. I was angry that I still had to be patient and advocate for my health. I was angry that it seemed NO ONE CARED!
After being discharged, I carried that anger with me home. Like many people, PTSD has rewired my brain to “check out/disassociate” whenever I feel overwhelmed. I also activate my internal survival mode. When I got home between New Years Intubation and last week’s stay ICU, I would look on the right side of my bed, and I could see the crash cart and incubator. I asked them to move it as they were triggers, but based on my condition, they could not. Many of us have seen the crash cart in many medical shows House, Grey’s anatomy, you name it, except this was not a soap opera. This was my reality. They kept it there because it would be accessible when “needed.”
I was angry that my hospital room was not covered in flowers and balloons. I was angry that my phone was not blowing up from text messages. I expressed this frustration to someone close, and they reminded me that :
- People have their own lives to live and prioritize what is important to them.
- Just because you go far and beyond for people does not mean they will do for you.
- This is the nature of the chronic illness. Everyone is there initially but not for the long haul (a cancer patient in my advocacy group told me this.
- All I had for those days where the 5hrs scoot came to visit, and that should have been enough. BUT we are humans. We crave validation that we are loved.
So when we got home, I turned off survival mode, and I check all the way into ALL of my emotions, and I CRIED not like that cute tears falling down my face. I mean that Kim K ugly cry. I mean, my body ached from what it physically had gone through my mind reacted/responded accordingly. I cried till my chest hurt. I felt my heartbreak. I mourned my old self. I grieved my old self for days. My husband held me during these moments. When I was crying quietly in bed, my dog snuggled up next to me and started slow breathing. My therapist has been trying to get me to do breathing exercises, and here my dog was lying next to be slow breathing, inhaling and exhaling. I followed her breathing pattern, and I noticed that I was calming down with each inhales and exhales every breath I inhaled and took every ache and emotion held it, and exhaled it. I started my journey to LETTING GO.
I went through my phone, and I just deleted, blocked, erased things that no longer served a purpose on my journey. Sometimes we hold onto things because there is a sense of obligation or familiarity with it. Holding onto things that serve no purpose is energy tainting your soul. It creates resentment. I do not want to be a resentful person; I do not want only to be needed when convenient. I do not want sympathy or validation. I am ENOUGH as I am, and I’d rather feed my soul with purpose and walk in God’s path with life.
Has anyone ever heard of release crying? Welp, I just learned about it this month. Most people would describe me as one of the strongest people they know, and for the longest time, I wore it as my armor, but I took it off these past few days, and boy or boy, has it been a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of emotions I did not even know existed. It has been exhausting but liberating. I have leaned on the people who have shown up for me because I for sure cannot stand on my own two feet * no, seriously, my body is so swollen it cannot hold my own weight* I do not have the reserves the energy to hold this “strong” wall up or the toxic positivity. LIFE really honestly sucks right now, and that’s okay. It might suck tomorrow too, but somewhere in between, it will suck a little less, and those are the moments your want to hold on to. Those are moments that ground you.
Losing someone close to our family reminded me of the fragility of life. As someone who is always so close to death, I have either become numb or desensitized to the finality of it all. This journey has taught me how to cry. Not that surface cry but that soul releasing cry that comes from your baby toe through your entire system and out of your body. This is what release crying is, and I am here for it. A lot is still going on, but I thought I would share my experience with acceptance, letting go, and crying as a release.
WE MOVE !