The other day I was uploading stuff to the “cloud,” I came across a picture of Boomer and me on a run that Bryan took when I was training for my first 10k. I had decided that I would pick distance running, and with a German Sheperd who needs that level of exercise to be less obnoxious, it was a win situation for the both of us.
I didn’t anticipate the emotional feelings that the image brought up ” today a year ago” versus today a year later. The differences are so drastic that I felt like someone was cracking at my heart. Today, my body can hardly make it to the bathroom without feeling like I just ran 100 miles. So I did the most logical thing a person would do when I ate a whole chocolate bar and took a nap.
We have been dealing with a lot in regards to my health. My heart struggles to keep up with my other systems, or my other systems are so out of wack that they are stressing my heart out. We are going to be spending the entire month of February conducting some medical tests. I have been told to give it time for your body to heal itself or get to a baseline, so we can figure out what’s wrong. Having a Dr.s appointment almost every day in a month does not feel like we are giving my body a chance to heal. It feels like let’s take this already jacked up body and put it through more stuff so we can get some results or explanation.
Also, how do you bed rest when you have to go to these appointments? Make it make sense, Lord.
After my nap and chocolate treat, I realized something my body last year was able to run multiple 5k’s, The Baltimore 10 miler, and a Half Marathon ( BOOM ). Even there was a stress fracture on my knee in between its OK. I have a frequent flyer mile card at my orthopedic Dr’s office. In my defense, though, it’s usually a different bone or muscle that requires attention.
Reflection and gratitude are the exercises that my Therapist and priest have suggested; understanding and naming, AND Identifying emotions as they come up is necessary. For me, the combination of church, faith, and Therapist has been beneficial. There are limitations in the humanness of my Therapist. But God, through faith and his mercy, there is always an answer and no limits. Also, it makes confession a lot easier I have mental bullet points for the priest. So this is what I have so far.
- Last year my body was able to do amazing things based on the goals I set for myself, and I have the medals to prove it.
- I listened to my body and emotional state that it was time to take a break. Survival mode can only get you so far.
- I had a wedding during a pandemic, and I am not sorry for it. A part of me knew this might be our only and last chance.
- I finally understood the significance of crying. You don’t cry only when your hurt or in physical pain. Crying can be a way of emotionally releasing garbage that has been lingering in your body, mind, and soul.
- Stop showing up for people who do not show up for you. There is no need for drama. Walk away and let go.
- Intent matters
- God knows all and is all. There is always a reason for the things we go through and trust the process. * may the process hurt a little less lawd, just throwing it out there. If some of the saints are listening, feel free to intercede this on my behalf.
These are the reflections that popped in my head as I wrote this. There are plenty more. Reflecting on some of these things helped me start some healing emotionally and spiritually ( still waiting on the physical) I needed. I am learning to be kinder but with boundaries * In the wise words of Amanda Seales, ” I will not tolerate F*** S*** from nobody who is not beneficial in my growth process MMMMKay *. I am consciously making an effort to be grateful for the things and people I have in my life and for those who chose not to be in my life. Thank you for leaving twas nice knowing ya!
Also, taking the time to slow down has given me time to learn new things like building a website, writing letters, and just being a regular older and wiser version of myself. Even with this Lemon of a body, I’m still pretty dope, sarcastic and funny at the end of the day. SO no, this whole out with the old in with the new does not apply here or to me. What applies here is your old-self was flawed, and your new-self is flawed as well. Whether you haven’t realized it yet and when you do, I hope it’s as magical as it’s been for me.
I like to end my blogs with some wisdom or wise words ! So in the wise words of MUSHU in Mulan the original
“Yeah, this ain’t going to be pretty. But don’t you worry okay, okay? Things will work out. We started this thing together, and thats how we’ll finish it. I promise “